I feel like having a proper conversation today.
I have realized an unfortunate trend in my posts. Apart from the fact that I basically only post on Mondays anymore I feel like I am holding back a lot lately. My posts have become a lot more matter of fact. At least that’s how I feel. And I have stopped really saying what I actually want to say. I didn’t feel like explaining myself thus I rather stopped telling certain things altogether. As a result it feels like I am intentionally starting to isolate myself.
I am 100% honest with what I am telling you here but it feels like everything I am sharing is a lot more edited than it used to be. One reason for this is that I am constantly short in time and I feel like really going deep is taking too long. Another reason is that even though I am actually really happy at the moment I feel like complaining and ranting 24/7. I know that’s a bit contradicting but that’s just the truth. I might be a bit of a drama queen and I am for sure guilty of using my posts for cathartic reasons. But I rather stop blogging altogether than making this a weekly pitty party for myself.
I don’t enjoy these kinds of post. Neither do I enjoy these kinds of bloggers. I don’t enjoy reading posts from people who complain about situations they have the power to change. On the other hand I also do not at all enjoy reading posts from people who pussyfoot around. At the moment I totally feel like that. But it’s in my power to change that.
I might not go back to my unedited self in one post but I try to be as true to myself as I can. Let’s chat a bit about last week and I’ll tell you everythinga few things I wouldn’t have told you last week.
- The weekend last week was awefully social. On Monday I felt very tired and very burned out. I was busy all day but didn’t really get much done. Even though I was really motivated to work on my thesis I didn’t even open the document. I felt guilty all day. So I busied myself in my apartment. I cleaned the kitchen and answered work emails. Later that day I made Falafel and took pictures for a recipe post. But all day I felt terrible for slacking. I tried to tell myself that I just needed a rest day and should accept it. But it took all day to calm myself down.
- I had to work from the office Tuesday to Friday. Even though I have managed to do everything that was on my work to do list my thesis fell short again. The office environment just keeps me from working on it. I don’t have the space there I’d need. That makes me really angry! I am angry because I can’t set my boundaries properly and that I can’t defend them once set. I can’t even be mad at the people who keep me from concentrating on my work because when I always say yes there will never be a reason for anyone to not interrupt me.
- After Stefan’s project has slowed down significantly he was home Monday and Tuesday evening at a reasonable time (aka before stores actually close here). It was so good to have time to properly talk. And I mean not just exchanginge recent happenings but really talk. He cooked dinner for me one evening and we laughed together and just had a really good time. I feel like we haven’t been as care-free as we have been in the last two weeks for ages. We also haven’t laughed that much. I feel like stress is decreasing for the both of us right now and that shows in a really good way.
- A few words on my relationship to working out at the moment. I went to Crossfit once and worked out at home once. I miss being in good shape, I miss being able to run and to feel strong. The worst and possibly most petty reason for my need to move is that I don’t really fit in my lighter clothes anymore. I have vowed to myself not to buy anything new. It’s either the clothes I already have or stretch pants. My own choice!
- One afternoon I went on a coffee date with a former client and even though the context of our meeting was not the most fortunate it was lovely to reconnect with her. We will have coffee again soon and I am already looking forward to that.
- We had a workshop on Friday evening and it took an hour longer than actually scheduled. For the entire day I had felt off and it didn’t help. I was in a foul mood and I was really tired. I arrived at home after 10 pm and was glad that Stefan was out and I had some space. When he came home about an our later I was in a better place already.
- After over three and a half months I have finally managed to post a recipe post again. This is not for the lack of really good recipes I’d actually love to share. It is because I just don’t have the ressources to put in the work a recipe post requires. Because this is a shitton of work. But it made me really happy to share this recipe and I think if I actually scattered out the working steps I may share recipes on a more regular basis again. I sure miss it!
- By the way you should totally check out my new falafel recipe if you haven’t already. It’s awesome and ready in 20 min.
- After the ususal hustle and bustle on Saturday morning Stefan and I embarked on a kitchen adventure. His lovely co-worker had given us a boatload of Indian spices and a few recipes and we tried to make paneer in a tikka masala sauce and garlic naan. It took us several hours but we were rewarded with the most amazing dinner ever. The paneer was a bit too crumbly maybe but it tasted so so good! And we just had so much fun!
- Sunday was unfortunately not a full day at home. My father-in-law invited us for lunch to a restaurant to celebrate his birthday. To be honest it was really just sucking out my energy for the rest of the day. I feel like it would have been more relaxing if we had eaten at home. But at least I had the afternoon to myself. I took a nap and cleaned the kitchen and just hung out. I felt a lot more energized in the evening.
- Stefan and I spent the evenening on the couch watching a new episode of our favorite cooking show crying with laughter. I was so happy be recorded the show as this allowed us to rewatch one particular scene over and over again. I was in tears. It totally made my day.
Now I am linking up this long piece on my last week with my lovely list queen Meg hoping this week will be less of a struggle. I actually have exciting plans. More workouts, more self-paced work time and a date on Friday followed by a weekend of sweet nothingness. I also have a post in the works. Let’s see if that happens, too!
Have a lovely Monday guys!