I was thinking about endings a lot last week. In the beginning of the year I said that this was going to be the year of endings. And I was excited about it. I kinda forgot or more likely supressed that I actually despise endings. Even sunsets and falling stars make me sad. I like when things stay the same. I like when I have some kind of stability in my life. Hence I am not a big risk taker. I guess I was excited about the endings that are close now because I knew they would push me to make changes in my life I would probably not have dared otherwise.
Now that things actually come to an end I feel a little less excited and a little more frightened. I feel this delicate pain of letting go. But I guess that’s the aim of the game. There would never be a sunrise if there wasn’t a sunset before.
This week has involved a few events that have just showen me the force change is coming with at the moment. After spending the last 3 months busily working on and thinking about my thesis basically 24/7 the free headspace I have now makes me catch up with the reality of the pending change. I am not sure if I like it. Maybe it’s good that I don’t have much choice.
But before I get all mushy and carried away with way too philosophical gibberish let’s do some catching up!
Before I start I should probably say that I am alright. It wasn’t a bad week. Not in the grand scheme.
My grandma passed away last week. My heart is sad and my head is relieved for her. She wasn’t well for a long time and it took a turn to the worse over the last few weeks. So ultimately I am glad she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. We got a chance to say goodbye. I am grateful for that!
The day after I spent on the couch and did nothing. Absolutely nothing. It felt good. And it didn’t feel good. When Stefan came home from work we ordered pizza and hung out on the couch together. I felt better after that.
Then life took over again and everything went back to normal. It’s brutal and comforting at the same time.
I had an appointment at the job center to talk about my next steps, applications, fields I want to apply in and my duties in order to qualify for unemployment benefits. As I have my shit together my consultant is not going to bother me again until January. I grately appreciate that. After all I have no idea what I want to be when I am grown up and I still have to do stuff for my PhD until February.
As I have no idea what I want to do next I started career counseling this week. I was planning to do that for some time now and I hope I can benefit from it. Especially since it basically costs me an arm and a leg. Over the next four months I am going to see a counselor a couple of times to figure out what I actually want. I really hope she can help me. I am desperate!
In our first session we already figured out that I it’s not going to be easy. What a surprise! But I loved it. We nerded out over counseling methods and tools. I like the counselor. And it feels good to have the space to talk about myself without the need to find room for the needs of the other person as well. I have exhausted my friends with this topic months ago.
I met with my PhD advisor and he suggested that after a few edits I can hand in my thesis. The next step is talking to my second advisor this week as well and if he’s okay with everything I am almost done. Creepy and freeing! I know it’s not a masterpiece but right now I don’t really care.
My very own personalized life planner arrived this week. Big thanks to Meg for getting me hooked on this craze. While I am no styling super pro I love the planner itself. I went with a very clean black and white this time. I am usually color coding my appointments and I think it might be easier when the planner is not a color explosion on itself already.
To mix things up a bit I spent a day working/ editing at Starbucks and it was wonderful.
I was hosting a workshop and had a day of coaching at work. It was good but I was glad when the weekend came. I’ve come down with a cold and a nasty cough and the last week has just been really exhausting.
We had actually planned a day trip this weekend but as I was feeling pretty sick we stayed at home. I was busy coughing anyway.
We had federal election on Sunday in Germany and so we went to vote. The political climate has changed over the last year and I cannot think about it too much because it drives me crazy.
Stefan and I also did some reseach and travel planning, booked a three-day sailing tour, accommodation for the first few days, a domestic flight and a ferry ride. We’re basically set up for now. All we need before we go is booking a car. It’s only two months until we depart but it feels still very far away and also a bit surreal. But I am ecstatic when I think of the crystal blue sea and beautiful beaches.
Okay peeps, that’s it for now. I am editing all day. Also I am going to translate my abstract to English. And that’s a whole other issue in itself. The structure of German and English scentences is just very different and hence translating kinda sucks. But I am almost done and that’s the biggest motivation of all.