Let’s just face it: Body Image is bitch!
I haven’t talked about body image or weight or any body related goals in ages. That is for two reasons. One of them – and I have been very blunt about that in one of my posts from earlier this year – is the fact that I am around the one year mark of giving up the war that can not be won between mind and body and just stopped restricting myself from anything.
The other reason is that this is a part of myself I continue to struggle with nonetheless. I mean waving the white flag and making peace with body and mind was the healthiest, kindest and most freeing thing I have ever done for myself. But of course as a result I have gained weight.
I have no idea how much. I still haven’t weighed myself nor do I plan on doing this. Making myself measurable is appealing to me in an unhealthy way. But I know I am on my heaviest in 6 years.
Finally last weekend I had to go on an online shopping spree. Not because I wanted to buy new clothes but because I had to admit to myself that my wardrobe is workout attire and stretchy pants only. There’s of course plenty of other items in my wardrobe as well yet none that fit me anymore. I am not a size small anymore and it makes me a bit anxious.
But there is another thing that I wholeheartedly know: Body Image is a bitch!
And I guess with this post I try to figure out for myself how objectively I see myself at the moment and where this all will lead me in terms of coping with my struggles. I mean as unhealthy it is to starve yourself to achieve a certain body, as unhealth is it to shut your eyes and continue to pack on weight until you finally end up amongst the most obese people you know. Believe me, I have been at both ends of the scale.
I think there has not been one phase in my life when I have seen myself the way I see me now when I look at old pictures. I have never posted any pictures like this before yet I feel it might be healthy for me to look at my past self and bring together how I felt at a certain weight vs how I see myself now.
A Blast from the past
2008 – On my heaviest weight ever. I never weighed myself. I actually didn’t think about it much but I felt ugly and uncomfortable – how could I not. Moving was a struggle so I avoided moving as much as possible!
2010 – I had suffered a severe relaps from my CIBD and I declined treatment I would have needed urgently. I felt like shit and I also felt very fat though I had already lost at least 25 kg. I actually think I am a bit heavier now. And when I look at this picture now I find myself quite alright.
2011 – I was down another 20 kg or so. And I was so so so sick. I was basically a walking dead. This was actually two weeks before I collapsed from severe anemia and I was at my lowest weight of 46 kg. I remember that I was almost happy with how I looked. Yet when I look at this picture now I shudder. It was warm but I felt cold, I needed help when I wanted to walk for a longer distance and look at my face, you can almost see the skull.
2012 – I had just finished a month long cortisone treatment and I had packed on about 10 kg. I felt so fat and I was disgusted by myself. The thrombosis tights didn’t help much but I had another 5 month of wearing them all day lying in front of me. My body started to heal and I had started to gain back control. I also started to eat again and to be honest I struggled so much with the amounts of food I could consume. When I look at myself now I see a little bird that needs to be fed a giant burger and fries.
2015 – I have packed on another 10+ kg in the last 3,5 years. As I mentioned earlier in this post I have no idea how much. I feel fat. No surprise here. When I look at myself I actually see a pretty normal person. If it wasn’t me I think fat would not be a word I’d use to describe myself. I am a but curvy but that’s just how my body happens to be shaped.
What should I do now?
I guess the conclusion I need to draw from this is that I have basically felt fat at any weight I have ever been on. So I can probably not trust myself here. Still the fact that I am gaining weight is not something I can argue away. And being severely overweight is nothing I ever want again.
Fact is I don’t feel the greatest in my body right now. And I know I want to do something to make me feel better. I have nowish to lose 10+ kg again. This wasn’t a healthy weight for me. If it had been a healthy weight I wouldn’t have found it so damn hard to maintain it.
So I guess I need to change my diet? But thinking the word diet alone feels like a betrayal at everything I have achieved mentally. Finding an euphemism for yet the same construct sadly doesn’t solve the problem either. Maybe a diet actually isn’t the worst thing to begin with.
The problem is all the things that come with ‘going on a diet’. I mean I know that I can lose weight pretty easily. Fact is that EVERYONE CAN LOSE WEIGHT! You just have to stop eating. That this isn’t the right way though is pretty evident and shall not be open to discussion here.
The really big question I need to answer myself is: Can I lose weight the right way? Without falling in familiar yet unwanted and unhealthy patterns? Without starting to fight myself again? Without starting a war that can’t be won?
I have been all over the place today, apologies for that and kudos for making it through this lengthy post. I guess I just needed to get these thoughts out!
Any thoughts about all that? Is body image a bitch?