today I’m going to share part II of my background story. I think I’ve hyped my news a little too much. I think you will be disappointed now 😉
Again I recommend to stop reading if you are squeamish or don’t like a gross personal story 😉 If you do and if you missed Part I you can read it here.
Part II – Growing Pains
In July 2009 I hit my final year at university and in retrospective I can say I had a huge crisis. Nobody noticed how miserable I was besides Stefan. But I refused to admit that there was something wrong with me and he couldn’t do anything about my depression. My life felt so wrong and I just couldn’t admit it nor do anything about it. I am not a quitter and I had to push through and get that degee no matter what. And of course I had to be among the best. So by this I added some extra pressure to the party.
A lot of not so good things happened in this year and I had a relapse. That basically means all the symptoms came back fully force. I saw a doctor, got new medicine and tried to recover. I didn’t want the people around me to be worried about me so I told them I would be okay. But I wasn’t. And as a result of everything I started to lose weight. That’s pretty normal when you are in this condition. I was sick, I was powerless and I started to control the last possible thing in my life: my eating. There were even days when I ate nothing. I felt like a total different person. I was not me anymore and I had changed. I dyed my hair dark brown after almost 10 years being blonde. I just changed everything about me.
I had lost about 20+ kg when I graduated university in July 2010. Then I escaped to London and settled down a bit. It was like taking vacation from my life and mentally I felt better and started to eat again. But unfortunately my colitis went worse. But I just ignored it.
When I came back I was down approximately 25 kg and looked great. As we did so much walking in the UK my body had changed. Many people told me how great I looked. Old accainenences didn’t recognize me on the street. I was still sick but I totally ignored it. I slowly lost control over my body and couldn’t do anything about it. After all I was taking the medicine. What else could I do? The next step would have been steroids. But I didn’t want to take steroids so I didn’t tell my doctor how bad my condition really was.
As a reaction to this loss of control I decided to conquer my body back. I knew how. It had done it in the past. I controlled my food and started to work out religiously. I worked out almost every single day and ate only about 900-1000 kcal. I lost another 15 kg within 6 month. I started a job that I hated which just made me more miserable. I was only skin and bones. I was cold all the time. When we were on a holiday in Greece I always wore a cardigan. And I was so weak that I literally spend the two weeks lying on the sun lounger unable to move after my pre-breakfast session in the hotel gym. When we were walking I had to kling to Stefan’s arm because I was worries I could stumble and fall.
At that time I had all the heavy symptoms:
- anemia from the severe blood loss
- deficiency signs – I didn’t feed myself properly but my body was so sick it wouldn’t have mattered at that point
- constant pain
- massive bloating
- food intolerance en mass
- diarrhea to the extreme
- extreme fatigue
- contatnt dizziness
- let alone all the things that we going on mentally
(okay now I told you all the symptoms – sorry about that)
Then on the 17th of October (I know so well because it’s my sister’s birthday) I fainted at a job fair where I worked and crushed on the stone ground. I pulled over a massive plastic box which crushed my left calf muscle and I broke my tailbone on the fall.
As my calf was thick and swollen I was sent to the doctor to make sure I had not developed a thrombosis. The test was negative and they told me to go home and rest. I did. My leg hurt like crazy and I went to see different doctors. It only got worse. Due to the colitis I can hardly take any pain killers which didn’t make the situation easier. After 3 weeks my calf was still very bad and the almost unbearable pain had wandered up my inner tight. At that point already 17(!!!) doctors had seen my leg! I had no fat or muscle left in my body to hold myself up straight. I still refused to go to the hospital.
I felt like being send to the hospital would push me over a mental border and I couldn’t be able to come back anymore. My boyfriend was the only person that kept me sane though I was a terrible patient. The unknowen, the pain, the next thing that tried to crash me – it was unbearable! That he didn’t run away is a miracle! In early November one doctor sent me back to do an ultrasound which revealed a severe thrombosis through my entire left leg from my hip to the calf.
I was prescribed to take blood thinners, iron infusions for the anemia and finally steroids for the colitis. I needed to wear thrombosis tights and take the blood thinners for 14 month. I had a weekly appointment to check my blood levels. And then there were the side effects of medication. The steroids interfered with my hormones and metabolism. I lost hair due to the blood thinners. Every time (and I am a klutz) I ran against anything I bruised horribly.
I needed to start over again, grow muscle and endurance and learn how to eat balanced and according to the needs of my illness. The problem is that food tolerances and intolerance change so I need to listen to my body all the time. This time I educated myself and tried to do it the right way.
I regained my energy, my motivation, my buzz. I learned how it feels to have energy again! I felt good. Last year’s checkup told both my doctor and me that my colon had still not recovered from my negligence. And right after my wedding I had a small relapse again. I blame the stress. Stress is like poison for me. But this time I was smart enough to ask for steroids immediately and I was symptom free after only 4 days! It was a miracle.
This was 8 month ago…
In the beginning of this year I had another checkup. Last week my doctor called me and told me that everything looks absolutely fine! I couldn’t believe it! No inflammations! Almost perfect blood levels! I am practically healthy! I say healthy not healed because you can’t be healed from an autoimmune disease. But finger crossed this is a long and sound remission phase! He even said I have to come to my next blood leven check in April! This is a three-month period!!!
These last 4 years made me learn so much about me. I am so much stronger than before both mentally and physically. I know better who I am and what I want from life. I can’t say I wouldn’t prefer I had missed the whole shit but I am definitely a happier and stronger person now.
I’m still in the process of finding out what’s good for me and what’s bad, how much stress I can tolerate and when I have to cut back. Fatigue and food intolerance are still an issue. But I can handle everything!
And I am so kicking this diseases ass now that I am back 🙂
Okay this was long again. The big news weren’t that big for you but to me it’s the best thing that could have happened!
Happy Saturday Bloggie Friends and I’ll see you tomorrow for Arman’s Book Party 🙂